Obsession

People are born blank, untouched and pure. No influences and no scabs or scars. No feelings, no opinions and no voice. Beliefs and opinions will begin forming as events change them.  Some people will live in a carefree mind, with no obsessions.  Some people will let one thing consume their whole life. Living in constant questioning and interpreting is not easy, but for some, it just comes natural.

I have always found it very interesting to observe how people act, what influences them and how they express their own opinions, weather or not their thoughts actually support them.  Ever since I was a little girl, I tended to sit back and watch what people did, rather than voice my own opinions.  My mom even told me I was a quiet baby and I would just sit and watch.  I didn't crave attention and quite frankly, I didn't want that attention because listening and observation was satisfying. 

I am still undecided if my strong observation skills have helped or hurt me.  In some ways, I think that this is a good skill to have on a moderate level.  I read people very easily because of this. When someone is showing signs of upset, I'm try to comfort them.  If someone is sharing something they are proud of, I praise them and try to make them feel accomplished. 

I also believe I can tell what motivates people to say things and can sometimes tell what they are going to say before they say it.  However, in social situations, I try my best to act engaged in the conversation but always find myself consumed with my own thoughts. “Why did they say that?” “Are they lying to me?” “Can they tell that I take every word they say into account?”.  Unfortunately, my eyes tell everything.  I can tell that some people can begin to feel intimated as their eyes begin to wander off.  My silence begins to make them think that I didn’t hear a word, little do they know, I heard every last one and I will think about it until I figure out what made them say that to me.   

I have come to the conclusion that my seventeen years and four months of existence have been a lifelong experiment consisting of daily questioning and testing, which makes me sad. I hate second guessing everything I say. It sucks. No one ever told me I had to do this, so why do I?  Most people my age are carefree and don’t consider every move they make. That’s why I wish I could stop acting like this, but it has become who I am and it makes me wonder if I am like this for a reason.  I'm not trying to "play the victim" here, but some answers would be nice. However, I'll never find this answers because the answers are locked in my head.

Everyone has a purpose and a reason for being here.  Meaning, what are you going to do that will contribute to society? To this day, I am unsure if who I am as a person is a blessing or a curse.  I sometimes wonder if other people have an obsession like this. Therefore, I am still unsure if thinking like this is at all normal.  But after all, what is normal?